Practice Positive Self-Talk
Negative self-talk can limit your abilities and lessen your self-confidence by convincing your subconscious that you "can't handle" something or that it is "too hard" and you "shouldn't even try."10 Self-talk that is optimistic, on the other hand, can foster self-compassion and help you overcome self-doubt and take on new challenges.
The next time you begin to think that you have no business speaking up in a meeting or that you are too out of shape to work out, remind yourself that your thoughts aren’t always accurate. Then find a way to turn those thoughts around into more positive self-talk.
Here are a few examples of ways to challenge pessimistic self-talk and reframe your thoughts into a more positive way of thinking, increasing your self-confidence along the way:
- "I can't handle this" or "This is impossible" becomes "I can do this" or "All I have to do is try."
- "I can't do anything right" becomes "I can do better next time" or "At least I learned something."
- "I hate public speaking" becomes "I don't like public speaking" and "Everyone has strengths and weaknesses."
Face Your Fears
Stop putting things off until you feel more self-confident—like asking someone on a date or applying for a promotion. One of the best ways to build your confidence in these situations is by facing your fears head-on.11
Practice facing some of your fears that stem from a lack of self-confidence. If you’re afraid you’ll embarrass yourself or think that you’re going to mess up, try anyway. A little self-doubt can even help improve performance.12 Tell yourself it’s just an experiment and see what happens.
You might learn that being a little anxious or making a few mistakes isn’t as bad as you thought. And each time you move forward, you gain more confidence in yourself. In the end, this can help prevent you from taking risks that will result in major negative consequences.
"This is, of course, easier said than done," says Owens, "but even small victories can help. Consider this a kind of exposure therapy - even a little progress is still progress!"
Do Things You're Good At
What happens when you do things that you are good at? Your self-confidence starts to soar. Your strengths become even stronger, which helps improve your belief in yourself. Taking this approach also has another benefit: it can increase how satisfied you are with your life.
One study found that believing in your ability to build on your personal strengths is moderately related to life satisfaction levels.13 This starts with identifying what those strengths are. Then, work to make them stronger by engaging with them regularly.
If you're good at a certain sport, for instance, make it a point to train or play at least once a week. If you're good at a particular task at work, try to do that task more often. Building on your strengths can also help you build your self-confidence.
Know When to Say No
While doing things you're good at can give your self-confidence a boost, it's equally important to recognize situations that can cause your confidence to plummet. Maybe you find that every time you participate in a certain activity, you feel worse about yourself instead of better.
Saying no to activities that tend to zap your self-confidence is okay. Certainly, you don't want to avoid doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable because discomfort is often part of the personal growth process. At the same time, there's nothing wrong with knowing your boundaries and sticking to them.
Setting social and emotional boundaries enables you to feel safer psychologically. It can also help you feel more in control. Self-confidence is, in part, feeling like you have control over your life.14 Boundaries help establish this feeling of control.
The next time someone suggests doing something that you know will lower your self-confidence, respectfully decline. You don't have to avoid that activity forever either. Once you learn how to be more confident, you may feel strong enough to try it again—without hurting the confidence you have in yourself.
Set Realistic Goals
Pursuing your goals often involves failing several times until you figure out what works. This can make you wonder if you have what it takes to succeed. It can also leave you questioning how to be more confident while still achieving your dreams. The answer lies in setting realistic goals.
Setting high-reaching goals and failing to achieve them has been found to damage confidence levels.15 Conversely, realistic goals are achievable. And the more you achieve your goals, the greater your confidence in yourself and your abilities.
To set realistic goals, write down what you want to achieve. Next, ask yourself what chance you have of attaining it. (Be honest!) If the answer is slim to none, the goal may be a bit too lofty. Dial it back so it is more realistic and more achievable.
This may require doing a bit of research on your part. For instance, if you have a goal to lose weight, experts recommend losing one to two pounds per week for healthy, long-term weight loss.16 Knowing this helps you set a goal in line with this guideline, boosting your self-confidence when you hit it.
Press Play for Advice on Confidence
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares strategies that can help you learn to truly believe in yourself, featuring IT Cosmetics founder Jamie Kern Lima. Click below to listen now.
Confidence vs. Insecurity
When learning how to be more confident, it can be helpful to understand how someone with self-confidence is different from someone who is more insecure. Here are just some of the differences between the two.
Confident People
- Celebrate other people's success
- Open-minded
- Optimistic
- Willing to take risks
- Laugh at themselves
- Decisive
- Always learning and growing
- Admit mistakes
- Accept responsibility
Insecure People
- Judge and are jealous of others
- Close-minded
- Pessimistic
- Afraid of change
- Hide flaws
- Indecisive
- Act like a know-it-all
- Make excuses
- Blame others
Being More Confident Has a Lot of Benefits
Being confident in yourself just feels good. That said, having self-confidence can also bring many additional benefits at home, at work, and within your relationships. Here's a look at a few of the positive effects of learning how to be confident:
- Better performance: Rather than waste time and energy worrying that you aren't good enough, you can devote your energy to your efforts. Ultimately, you'll perform better when you have more self-confidence.17
- Healthier relationships: Having self-confidence not only impacts how you feel about yourself, but it helps you better understand and love others. It also gives you the strength to walk away from a relationship if you're not getting what you want or deserve.
- Openness to try new things: When you believe in yourself, you're more willing to try new things. Whether you apply for a promotion or sign up for a cooking class, putting yourself out there is a lot easier when you have confidence in yourself and your abilities.
- Resilience: Believing in yourself can enhance your resilience or ability to bounce back from any challenges or adversities you face in life.
Recap
Learning how to be more confident can have a range of positive effects on your life. In addition to helping you feel better about yourself and your abilities, self-confidence can make your relationships stronger and make you more resilient to stress.
Keep in Mind
Everyone struggles with confidence issues at one time or another. Fortunately, there are several things that you can do to boost self-confidence. In many cases, learning how to act confident can actually help you feel more confident.
"This is similar to the adage that the physical act of smiling can trick your brain into feeling happier," says Owens. "If you exude confidence, even when you don't feel that way, others will treat you differently, which will boost your confidence—and thus the cycle continues."
Sometimes low self-confidence is a sign of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. If your self-confidence interferes with your work, social life, or education, consider talking to a mental health professional. A therapist can help you better understand the issue, recommend treatment, and work with you to develop skills to build your self-confidence.
